Thursday, March 20, 2008

TSA owns that ass...

So, on my trip this fine morning to San Francisco one of the funniest things happened right in front of me. Actually there was nothing fun about it, more unbelievable than funny. First, as I get through the first TSA checkpoint where they screen for boarding passes, I'm standing in line and this old lady gets in front of me. But then I realize she is with her man servant (read husband) but there is always something that bugs me about "holding spots" in line. Weird. Ok, so anyway, the next thing that happens is that a family of 5 cuts in front of them, and the mom is (please use your best milquetoast voice for this) "Oh I am sooo sorry, but we must get back in line since they asked us to move over here.". Blech. Douchebag. She didn't have that voice but it reads better when you add a bit of spite. Ok, now on to the next thing. A pilot shows up in front of the line and asks if he can hop in front of me. Now at this point I have my GD shoes off and and have everything on the conveyor. So this is a case when I don't mind cutting, guy's gotta get to work and I wouldn't want to hold a pilot that could possibly be flying the plane I am on. So he gets through and I'm about to push my shit through when, voila, some jackass pushing a woman in a wheel chair shows up in the front of the line. He is some worker just helping her to the gate. And I can just feel what's about to happen because my luck is just this crappy. Yup, he piles her shit on the conveyor in front of me and I start making noises, hissing, raspberry's, I even make those farty noises that you do under your armpit (thanks Dane Cook). She stands up and walks through the metal detector twice. He walks through and they inspect the wheel chair for hidden hair gel. Ok, at last! My shit makes it in the xray and I walk through the metal detector. Then I am standing right behind the xray machine and they are having to dig through her shit because she didn't pack right. Ok, holding up the line. I work on being patient as they now call for a bag check. I can't move because my shit is trapped in the cage behind her mis-packed shit. She apparentely has a water bottle in her bag. Now, after all of this, the next part is what you really want to read. Mkay? So, they inspect her bag in front of her and they find a water bottle and a thing of yogurt. As the TSA agent goes to remove it from the bag, she takes it from him, and then he reciprocates by grabbing it from her. She fucking starts to flip out. She begins to yell at this guy demanding a supervisor and then starts yelling, "You don't take shit out of my hand! You don't do that shit!". For those of you who know Q, I like to be a real smart ass to people who are unreasonable, and as I walked by after finally getting my shit, I just wanted to step behind her and whisper, "You are a real douchebag!" But alas I did not. What I did was start looking around and noticed a few things as she continues to yell. The super comes running over and told the agent to step away and then another woman came over as well. As I pack my toiletry shit back in the bag, I walk in front of two people who are dressed in normal clothing but they have laniards and as I walked past them I notice they also have a video camera that they have moved in position to record this lady. At first I thought they may have been doing just some promo shit, but then I thought about it some more and they probably are there for these kind of issues. Who knows. So, I walk away feeling even more frustrated about this trip than when I was when I went to bed last night.

My only comment is that this lady was made of ketchup. At this point of the blog this is where Bird will only get the joke. -Why does she have to be made of ketchup, why can't she just be a lady?- Well Bird, my preemptive answer is that being made of ketchup shapes who she is and how she has possibly been treated over her lifetime. However bad her life has been and whatever negativity she holds for authority, she obviously hasn't learned that she isn't any better than the rest of us and that she should be excluded from doing the right thing. Being made of ketchup a long time ago must have sucked, but its truly time to move on from the past, and you must respect the authorities who are only trying to protect everyone, even ketchup people carrying yogurt.

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