Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Touch my Caucus...Colorado Republican Caucus Play by Play

Here for your enjoyment is my play by play of our local Republican Caucus.

5:58 I yelled at people in my head to pick a spot in the goddamn parking lot.

5:59 I slipped on ice leaving the car, said oh shit.

6:00 So now I'm pumped about the fact that I'm about to save the world by voting my ass off.

6:02 I'm jazzed about it. Oh shit, there's a line about 30 people deep.

6:09 I found my precinct on the map and my official name tag.

6:15 I find the table and got my chair at the table. Dude I'm totally somebody. This table is all of 18 inches wide and 4 feet long. I'm at the head of the table. When you are the biggest man at the table with 5 other people who's ages exceed 50 years old, they pretty much have to bow to my will. Damn geriatrics.

6:23 A lady who has to be about 45ish with blonde hair shows, fairly excited to be at the table. She has this miniature version of a gong as a necklace hanging down by her naval. Some Lee Press-on Nails and a brown skirt, with this coyote looking fir coat. Epitomy of hotness, gongs get me going.

6:26 And oh my fucking god. This old lady walks over to the table with a chair over her head and almost takes out 'old lady flat face' that is sitting next to me. She has super short hair and the back of her hair is fucked up like when you wake up after a good romp in the sack. Ok, but the best part. Her nails. Not her toenails, her finger nails. They are first off, real. Second of all, they are 2 inches long. She's crazy and likes to talk. Awesome.

6:54 I've had to stand up to free up a chair for another lady. And the occupancy limit for the room was easily exceeded by 6:15.

(how awesome is Crazy Beard there? And the comb over you ask? Yeah, super fantastic!)

Luckily, there's a door / window leading to the outside so now I'm designated 'in case of fire break glass' guy. That will allow more oxygen in as the fire spreads rapidly over the large portion of people caught in the middle of the room.

7:01 The chaos begins. First order of business. All males are to provide their chair to the nearest lady. Um yeah, I am serious.

7:09 The Pledge of Allegiance. Take that Dems.

7:14 The first Hillary joke across the PA is made. First speaker starts and stops within 2 minutes.

7:16 The precinct leader and delegate voting process begins.

7:17 Oh wait, nevermind, we still have more pieces of paper to check off and sign in on and then we can elect precinct leaders and delegates.

7:28 I am voted in as precinct leader. Yes, you heard me. All 16 votes. First 8th grade science club president, 12th grade newspaper editor, and now precinct leader. On my way up baby!

This is the point where I have to conduct business by handling delegate votes and collect funds for the County, State, and 6th Congressional conventions.

We had only one resolution presented, and in classic far right wing fashion, we have a pro-lifer at the table that wants the definition of a human to basically include the results of conception. That is the easiest way to summarize the resolution. 5 yes to 1 no and 2 abstaining votes.

To my surprise, there was a large majority of Romney voters, and only small set of McCain voters. 316 for Romney and 61 for McCain, and an even smaller for Huckabee, which was not so surprising. Though Huckabee is owning the Southern states. Very strange. Even though there was a large majority of very conservative Rep's there, I'm feeling better about CO in general about McCain's chances.

Yeah, McCain is a little crazy but here's something to think about. I once had a conversation with a Juniper sales guy, and he had a great way of putting things. He said, [Juniper] is #2 but it comes down to which sucks less, and [Juniper] sucks a lot less than Crisco, and I concur. Yes, this goes for McCain. He sucks a lot less than the current alternative.


Bird said...

Holy crap you make me laugh. This post was funnier the day after the caucus...

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Vote Quimby!