Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"Sorry Officer, I don't know where that came from.... No really, It's not mine.. I Swear!"

Most of us have had jobs that require a background checks. Some are just simple previous employer checks, some are extensive, year long, criminal, rental and character profile examinations.

I am no exception. As a matter of fact, I was just hired permenantly to a position here at a local Hospital.

They are very diligent in respects to formalities, including updates on all vaccinations, employment history, resisdential history, and even a criminal background check.

Cue: Me, recieving a phone call through inter-office channels from Human Resources.

"Hi Mega Mex, it's The Human Resources Generalist. As you know, because of your previous address you had in another State, (Land of Entrapment) we have to do a criminal background check in that state also.

"Sure" I said, remembering a fenderbender that cost me $3K and a big hassle when I tried to get my license in my current State of residence. "What's going on?" I asked.

"Well.. Um.. Something was forwarded to our office, and we.. well, we just need you to confirm some details." She didn't sound too enthusiastic.

"Really?" I said, trying to sound as surprised as possible without giving away that I paid off that 1992 mother fucker back in '97 or so. I Swear. "Well, is there a problem?" I prodded.

"Well, we'd like to clear this up as soon as possible... Are you able to come in relatively soon?" She was trying her best to not give anything away over the phone, I guess I couldn't blame her.

"Sure, well I'm about to go to lunch, could I just pop in there, say like in 10 minutes?" I wasn't about to let this sit for a second. "That would be perfect, MegaMex. Thanks alot." "OK, I'll see you in just minutes."

I hung up the phone with a "Oh Fuck... Here we go" and left.

As I traversed through the large campus of the facility, I was recalling the details of my 'past'. "hmmm... this couldn't possibly be because of that fender bender... I KNOW I paid that off, and besides.... That wasn't hardly even a fucking minor traffic violation. Damn! This bullshit had better not jeapordize my job, I'm gonna be Pissed!"

By the time I get to her office, I'm winded (I am very out of shape), sweating and trying my damndest to keep my composure. "Hi, Mega Mex. Thanks again for addressing this so soon." She sort of had this very cautious look in her eye, like if I have any weapons on me, or in my pocket. "No Problem, just wanna get this outta the way..." meaning, No, I only have a new cell phone that I paid too much for because of 'planned obsolesence'.. (which is another story all together).

"Ok, well we got this report from your former state of residence, and well.... If you could, just look it over and confirm any details, ...... please." She just seemed a bit too nervous about finding a fucking fender bender on the goddamn criminal background that, personally, shouldn't have been there in the first fucking place.

"No problem." And I start reading:

Applicant Data Provided: Name: Mex, Mega Alberto

DOB: 12/15/XX (year not shown, for my own fucking amusment)

SSN: XXX-XX-XXXX (only last four were actually provided)

Product Coverage:
Federal criminal records for the most recent 7 years.

Source: US District Court- District of (The Land of Entrapment)

Summary: 1 Record FoundNumber of cases: 1
Case#: 03cr02XXX

Original Charges: ( I SHIT YOU NOT)

1. Possession with intent to Distribute 50 KILOGRAMS AND MORE OF MARIJUANA-SCHEDULE 1 CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE
2. AIDING AND ABETTING

Disposition:
11/20/2003: PLEAD GUILTY
CASE: TERMINATED
...


Now, at this point, I'm Thinking.. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I immediately show my utter shock by dropping my wide open jaw onto her desk...

Exlcaiming "Oh My God, wait wait wait HOLD ON, THIS says my middle name is 'Alberto'. It's NOT."
I grab my wallet and pull my Drivers License showing my full name, and it show NOT Alberto.

I aslo read at the end of the report:

THE CASE LISTED ABOVE HAS BEEN REPORTED BECAUSE OF A NAME MATCH ONLY AND SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AS A POSSIBLE RECORD.

ok ok ok... So,
the Last four of the SSN= Match.
The DOB= Match.But "name" matches only the middle doesn't.. hmmm.. DAMN.

Some Crazy Mother Fucker is either Got the SAME Name (almost) and DOB

OR....

The dirty fucker has stolen my ID info and is (per the research done during this blog):

1. Dead
2. In The Witness Protection Program for 'rolling' on his connections
3. Serving Time in the Big House.
4. On the Run.

Now, You can look up my (real) info online and see clearly, I AM NOT ON AMERICA'S MOST WANTED,
NOR am I a 'cheech and chong' dealer of any sort. (although, I love their movies).

But, You can be assured, I will find out WTF is going on with this 'Alberto' who was charged with BIG Possession, and shares some of my personal info.

That dirty motherfucker.

"No, officer.... Wait, HEY!! OWW! You don't have to put the cuffs on SO FUCKING TIGHT! DICK! *Whap!* OOWW!! SHIT THAT HURT FUCKER, YOU FUCKING PIG!! WAIT.... NO NO NO NO NOT THE FACE NOT THE FAAAACCE!!!!"

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