Thursday, April 27, 2006

Not Having It "Your Way". Ever.

At first, I thought maybe I was the physical incarnation of William H. Macy's character from "The Cooler", and just had terrible luck.
Then I realized that there is no fucking way possible on Earth that one single person could have this many things continually get jacked up. No way. No fucking how.
So, I began keeping track.

In Feb. 2005, I started conducting a little test. I wanted to see how long it would take for a drive-thru to get my order correct. Now, for the control parts:
- Nothing obscure or overly-complicated. For burgers, the request was "no mustard" simply because I'm allergic to it.
- Discontinued menu items don't count (Taco Bell is notorious for their 2-week specials).
- Only major fast food chains. The local chinese restaurant is out of the test because I pretty much love their food no matter how it gets to me.
- "A Correct Order" relates to any part of a standard drive-thru order: food as requested, napkins, utensils, straws, etc. Missing or extra items, such as fries or nuggets, counts as incorrect. Missing dressing only counts if I asked for it at the time I ordered.

I eat at fast food places 2-3 times a week.
95% of the time, I use the drive-thru. The other 5% is when I have to get out of my vehicle and end up throwing my incorrect order across the counter at the manager, screaming "Do it again, burger boy!"

In our area, we have all of the major chains, but I also included the restaurants in cities that I traveled to- L.A., Orlando, most of the East coast, Pittsburgh area, Indy, Cinci, Cleveland.

It is now April 0f 2006.
In that time, I have not had one order correct.
No. I am not kidding.

Is there fucking neurosurgery going on behind the counter? What is so insanely complicated about "Double with cheese, no mustard, medium coke"? Does the 'no mustard' line really throw them for a loop? "Oh, he doesn't want mustard...I can't take it...someone get me a Xanax and a shot of Wild Turkey. Stat!"
Look- I understand that working at a fast food place can blow. Hard. I get it.
But at the same time, I don't think that I'm asking for a lot. I also know that I'm not the biggest pain-in-the-ass customer you've had today (I promise).

The saddest part of this whole thing is that I continue to purchase fast food from the same places that fucked me a couple of days ago.

Tips for the Franchises:
- If I order (2) Mexi-Melts, I don't need 4.7 lbs. of hot sauce.
- A single napkin in the bag, regardless of order size, will result in a swift kick in the ass.
- "no ice" means that the drink (or the burger) doesn't have any ice in it.
- An overly large-headed 'king' waking up in someone's bed (with or without breakfast), is NOT cool. It's just creepy and wrong. Plus, I don't think anyone, except for your ad execs, truly believes he can run back kickoffs for touchdowns, esp. in that kinda clothing.

Fun Facts:
- I currently live in the same town Wendy's started in (Columbus, OH)
- If you have 8 friends, one of them probably worked at McDonalds at one time.
- In Australia, Burger King is called "Hungry Jack".
- Arby's is actually a phonic for "RB", but doesn't stand for "roast beef". It's short for the company founders, the Raffel Brothers.
-Dave Thomas and I are both adoptees.

1 comment:

Munpe Q said...

Ah, this brings back fond memories as I watched your tape worm in action. You would walk in with one chocolate milk, one pepsi, pack o' smokes, and then chow when el seƱora del burrito arrived. Those were the days.