Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sale me down the river...

Today I received a phone call at work, like most usually do, from a woman who is working on making a sale. She, like so many others, is in the market of converged networks. She takes voice and data and jams it down one or multiple 'convenient' T1's to your lovely little network. The network that you are very proud of. But unlike yours, mine is engineered correctly and yours, well, you just suck at your little IT job.

Whoa, anyway. All of the colors that are generated from my bitterness is, fucking awesome.... I digress.

She begins her nice phone presentation with the standard questions of, we are a company that does blah blah blah, we are Qwests' largest business partner (wha?!), we have a network of multiple providers so that your network access can be vendor agnostic and we can take good care of you and we take full responsibility for the condition of your network access (the greatest bullshit line ever, though admirable because who says that these days?). She goes on to say that she would like to be able to develop a business relationship (damn, I was hoping to get laid) with us, and that she would like to be able to continue to speak with us. At some point, she also asks if she could find out who we use as providers. This is the point where the bullshit generators are fired up and the switch is thrown to enable my infinite amount of craptastic sarcasm. I mention that I have 6 different providers and that we are doing some crazy stuff with our networks and voice. And if only you could have heard me, I was on, and naturally she buys it. Then she continues...

She is offering a service whereby they come in as consultants and analyze the network from top to bottom offering solutions such as TCO analysis and the ability to assist in saving money. And in doing so, she says that she will not only be able to most likely help the company save money, but that their company is unique in that they don't take a percentage of the cost savings like most consultants do.

She continues on...

She asks me, how does all this sound. And up until now, she's done all the talking, and very well I might add, until the little dig on consultants. Now, it's my turn.

I start by asking. "How did you get our number?"
She says to me, "Do you really want to know?"
"Of course I do." I added.
"From the Colorado Business Journal" she says.
I ask, "Oh, ok. Great. Are you familiar at all with my company?"
"No, but I would like to. I hope to be able to understand your business and build a relationship around that", she replies.
I say to her very calmly, "Oh, ok. My company is an IT consulting firm with a focus on security and infrastructure. So, you see, I am one of those consultants of which you speak."
"....oh, well, you made me go through that whole thing. Ha ha ha. Ok. Well then, how are you doing today then?" she says with extreme discomfort.
"Well, I'm doing very well thank you." I piped in smuggly.
"Well, I guess I won't be able to help you much today then, can I?" she asks.
"Nope, not today." I say.

And that was the end of it. So, the moral of this story boys and girls, is that if you are going to FUCKING COLD CALL ME, make fucking damn sure you do at least 13 to 17 seconds worth of goddamn research on who you are calling.

And by the way, you stupid hooker, consultants DO NOT take a percentage of the cost savings, they fucking earn it by making proper and accurate recommendations based on best practices and vendor recommended implementations. You fucking shit bag.

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